You see what you look for

While I’ve been putting my thoughts together for this piece the situation in North Carolina has changed dramatically and I’ll be retuning this coming week to secure safe longterm placement for Charlie.

It’s an interesting experience, observing myself navigating this dynamic situation. Our tools are only as good as our ability to implement them in real time. And it’s been interesting, observing myself as I navigate this dynamic situation. Noticing when default programming is running and interrupting the pattern. Choosing thoughts and questioning assumptions. Deploying healthy coping strategies instead of turning to vices. Holding myself accountable to the work that I’ve done over the years and really putting it to the test.

I cannot control the outcome, but I can make decisions that I’m proud of every step of the way.

Pain is unavoidable in life, suffering is a choice.

Albert Einstein is often credited with saying that the most important decision a person can make is whether they live in a hostile or a friendly universe.

That’s equally poetic and neurological.

Once you decide which universe you live in, your brain gets to work proving you right.

If you believe the world is hostile, your nervous system will scan for threat. Your attention will land on betrayal. Disappointment. Injustice. You’ll notice the slight. The rejection. The obstacle.

If you believe the universe is friendly, dynamic, responsive — not in a naive way, but in a growth-oriented way — your brain will look for opportunity. Meaning. Alignment. Learning.

Same world.

Different filter.

That filter lives in your biology. The way you repeatedly think about yourself and the world shapes what your brain flags as important and what it lets fade into the background.

Your thoughts are electrical and chemical events happening inside your nervous system. Repeated thoughts strengthen neural pathways. Neurons that fire together wire together.

Early Buddhist psychology used the word saṅkhāra to describe conditioned mental formations — patterns of perception and reaction that become automatic through repetition. Today we can see those same patterns reflected in neural pathways.

Rehearse helplessness, and the brain becomes efficient at helplessness.

Rehearse victimhood, and that narrative deepens.

Rehearse possibility, and the brain begins detecting it everywhere.

Deep in your brainstem is a small cluster of neurons called the reticular activating system.

It filters millions of bits of information every second. It decides what reaches your conscious awareness and what gets ignored. And what it lets through is shaped by what your brain has rehearsed as important.

You see what you look for.

And what you look for is shaped by what you’ve trained your brain to notice.

Over time, those repeated thoughts don’t just stay in your head. They settle into your nervous system. They shape how you interpret what happens to you. They become the lens you live through.

Describe the universe as cruel and stacked against you, and your brain will find supporting evidence.

Describe it as evolving and full of opportunity for growth, and your brain will find that too.

Psychologists call this confirmation bias. The tendency to notice, remember, and interpret information in ways that reinforce what we already believe. Once a narrative is in place, the brain quietly gathers evidence to support it.

Most of us are running conditioning we didn’t consciously choose.

We formed our beliefs when we were young. When we were overwhelmed. When we were trying to make sense of painful circumstances with limited perspective and very little power.

We crafted a rulebook.

A manual to live by.

Guidelines we built to survive.

“The world isn’t safe.”

“I have to do everything myself.”

“I’m not enough.”

“Nothing works out for me.”

“People always leave.”

And then we rehearsed those rules for years.

Often without realizing it.

In EFT sessions, this is one of the most profound moments. We begin tapping on anxiety or relationship conflict or financial fear — and eventually the deeper belief surfaces.

“I’m always the problem.”

“No matter what I do, it won’t be enough.”

“This is just how my life goes.”

And after the session, they’ll often say, “I didn’t know I believed that.”

We rehearse patterns we don’t even realize we’re practicing.

EFT slows that down.

When you tap while naming a belief, you activate the thought while calming the stress response. The amygdala quiets. The body softens. When the body feels safer, the brain becomes more flexible.

Beliefs feel absolute when they’re fused with survival.

When your nervous system is activated, the story doesn’t feel like a story. It feels like fact. It feels like reality.

But when the body settles, something shifts. There’s space. And in that space, you can begin to question what once felt unquestionable.

This is where Byron Katie’s work is so elegant. She asks a simple question: Is it true?

Can you absolutely KNOW 100%, that it’s true?

Not philosophically. Literally.

Is it true that the universe is against you?

Is it true that you’re fundamentally flawed?

Is it true that nothing ever works out?

And then the deeper inquiry: Who are you when you believe that thought?

If you move through the world believing the universe is hostile, you move guarded. Reactive. Defensive. You interpret everything through that lens.

If you believe you are fundamentally flawed, you hesitate. You self-sabotage. You brace for failure before you even begin.

Now consider the alternative.

Who are you if you believe the universe is dynamic and responsive? Who are you if you trust that growth is happening, even when it’s uncomfortable?

You show up differently. You interpret differently. You decide differently.

Belief becomes identity. Identity drives behavior. And behavior accumulates into the life you experience.

Who do you want to be? Decide.

Right now, this is personal.

I am face-to-face with dementia.

Watching cognitive decline up close is sobering in a way I wasn’t prepared for. It’s fast. It’s disorienting. It’s ugly.

There are moments when I can see her reaching for something that isn’t there anymore.

If I let my thoughts run unchecked, they go somewhere predictable.

This is unfair.

This shouldn’t be happening.

This is senseless.

And I can feel what that does to me immediately.

Tightness. Anger. Collapse. And with it, my capacity shrinks.

So I practice.

I notice the story. I soften my body. I choose again.

I am choosing to believe that even though I don’t understand it, this is part of being human. Bodies age. Brains change. Nothing here is permanent.

From there, the only question is: what is the most loving response available right now?

Sometimes I know. Sometimes I don’t.

Under enough pressure, we all fall back on our conditioning.

We don’t rise to our ideals in crisis. We return to what we’ve practiced.

That’s simply how the brain works.

And I can’t promise you that choosing disciplined thoughts today will protect you from cognitive decline decades from now. I don’t know that.

But I do know this: the patterns you rehearse shape the quality of your experience right now.

They shape how you move through conflict. How you respond to loss. How you interpret uncertainty. How much suffering you add to an already painful moment.

And if one day our faculties begin to fade, as they will for all of us in some way, it would not be insignificant to have spent years practicing steadiness instead of panic, curiosity instead of hostility, acceptance instead of resistance.

If you believe the universe is hostile, your brain will keep finding proof.

If you believe it is friendly and growth-oriented, your brain will find that too.

You see what you look for. Choose wisely.

-Sunny